06 3 / 2014
plunk crunk drunk
I see you made you flunk
fly high with super sighs
I’m reading into your lines
cracking all along your face
furrowed burrowed out of place
is it you or is it me
i thought together was serenity
boring talks about pity
feel you not feeling me
that ones for me
fine grind the brine into my eyes
this ones for you
i saw your facebook post
your birthday seemed fun
i glad you had fun
im glad i didnt hate you for a second
im glad i never hated you
if i let you go
wont i lose something?
what do i have left?
crunk funk drunk i feel you stuck on my sides
its winter and i need the fuel for my reverie
no matter how wet with bitterness
its better than weary dreary lonley
im not a fucking phony
i just gave in
i just got weak
it was too much
I just got meek
that ones for me
this ones for you
Ill find a way to be
egoless and free
rapper milo over cancer gus
i wont throw myself under the bus
my agency will not be surrendered to impulses forever
My life will one day truly be mine
and i wont have to wait any more
that one was me
i guess that was still for me
maybe its always been for me
05 3 / 2014
njallersvojcex-deactivated20140 asked: Ehi, I'm an italian girl who loves what you write. And sincerely, I love everything you wrote. I'm writing to you now because I want to ask you if you ever had an heartless misery. If you ever have it, can you explain what and why happened and how did you feel? Ps: sorry, i know that I have an horrible english, I hope you understand what I wanted to tell you.
I believe you are asking if I have ever been sad. Yes. I have. For me, personally, things are hardest in the long view. Of course I had silly things in my teenage years that felt so horrible at the time—but those things didn’t amount to much. I did some jail time and that still haunts me, but it’s also made me the man I am today; if anything, it was education for writing beyond that of any school. What has to be most depressing for me would probably be my relationship with my father.
My father and I never got along, but as I get older, I’ve started to see an emotional disconnect in him which I have as well. I can only hope I am not bastard he was. What makes that most depressing for me is the fact that, now, he’s trying so hard to connect with me. That has left me sad because it could have happened so long ago. So many years could have been happier. So many fights—mental, verbal, and physical—could have been avoided.
In fact, just last night, out of the blue, he called me. He was telling me a story about how a neighbor was stealing salt from us (in the borough my parents live in, salt boxes are provided to houses where snow plows cannot reach; they live in the last house of a narrow dead end road, so they have one of these boxes)—he was saying how people just don’t respect one another anymore, and how the entire town has slowly turned to shit since he was a boy. He then turned this into how he was proud of me for getting out there in the world, trying to make something of myself. He said he loved me and that, though he was a drunk asshole (his exact words), he did care for me, and always had…
Then he said he was going to go listen to the Cure, and hung up. He hid this incredible emotion, which I have so rarely even seen hinted at, within two very silly things. The Cure thing was that he has been going up into my room and taking old CDs of mine. This is his way of reconnecting with me, and he said as much a week ago, saying he never liked much of the music I listened to, but now he sees why so much of it is actually good. He said that with real regret. And he wasn’t talking about the music. He’s trying to make up for lost time, attempting to speak with the person I am now while recapturing something of the boy I once was. I know this.
What hurts is not only how so much pain could have been spared, but the fact that I’m not sure if I want to forgive the man. There are things I have no interest in discussing on here, but I can say that I harbor some pretty bitter feelings. The fact that he’s trying to sweep so much under the rug, the fact that he believes he can say one or two decent things in his entire life and ignore all the rest… It bothers me. It bothers me because he was the asshole and now he’s being a good person. That makes me the asshole. That’s cruel. Something about that is more vicious than any of the rest of it.
And it’s working. He’s moving on while I’m standing still in a past I’d like to forget but am refusing to. It stinks, really.
So, there ya go. That’s about as personal as I feel like getting right now. No more questions like this for a while, please.
20 2 / 2014
Talking to My Brother
- 1: Did you know the earth's core would be solid if it weren't for the heat generated by radioactive decay of nuclear isotopes?
- 2: That's kind of beautiful.
- 1: hahaha
- 2: No, but the idea that decay is what makes life possible is deeply resonant.
- 1: Well, it isn't decay in the traditional sense.
- 2: Shut up. I'm having a moment.